This is the transcript for the Two-Bit episode One Lump or Two.

The Sheriff is snoozing at his office. The beaver runs up to the office
The Beaver Sheriff! Sheriff! Help! (The Sheriff wakes up) Malignant Mel is back, and he's terrorizing the town!
The Sheriff Tarnation! I knew we should have had that big lump checked out when he first showed up. (The Sheriff jumps onto a giant snail) Yaah, Mercury! Let's ride.
Mercury whinnies like a horse, and starts moving, but like an actual snail, it moves very slowly. The Sheriff gets impatient.
The Sheriff (sigh) Okay. I reckon I'll just um... mosey on over there, then?
The Sheriff jumps off of Mercury, and dashes towards the town
Camera cuts to Big Nine Benny who is sleeping in the middle of town, snoring very loudly. However, everyone is running around screaming at their wits end.
Cat We're doomed!
Earl You're not taking me alive! (pulls out a gun and points it to his head) I'm commin' to meet you, Gladys!
Gladys Hello, Earl. I'm standing right here.
The Sherrif arrives into town, exhausted and out of breath
The Sheriff (out of breath) Note to self, move office... closer to town.
The Beaver '(sitting in a red convertible) Uhh... Sheriff? Why didn't you drive here?
Cut back to Mercury, who is still moving very slowly. Right next to Mercury is a police car in plain sight.
The Sheriff Dang it!
Big Nine Benny (waking up) Oh, Hi, Sheriff-
The Sheriff accidentally kills the Big Nine Benny
The Sheriff Dang it!
The Beaver Oh, hey. This ain't Malignant Mel, it's his brother, Big Nine Benny.
The Sheriff Dang it!
Malignant Mel Hey guys. Um... sorry to bother you. Has anybody seen my brother?
The Sheriff makes a nervous grin. Suddenly, Malignant Mel is shot. The Sheriff is shocked at this. He turns around, and discovers that the beaver shot him.
The Two-Bit logo appears, and the screen goes black.